Monthly Archives: January 2007

Practical Advice for 2007

I received some excellent and eminently practical advice for 2007, and I thought I should share it with tiny subsection of the world that reads these words:


Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastard.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives: I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

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Google Calendars

I’ve recently been playing with Google Calendar, and I’ve created a publicly viewable calendar for the North Durban Lions Club. What strikes me as so cool about it is that even if you don’t use Google Calendar yourself, you get to play. HTML links are provided, both to the public calendar entries and one for the private ones too (which I’m not providing 🙂 ).

It can also be embedded in other websites, and even apparently shows up in Google searches, although I’ve yet to encounter this.

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subtract one waitress

Last night at the quiz, I think I managed (inadvertently) to get a waitress fired. We’d never had or seen her before, so I gather she was quite new.

She started out pleasant enough – we ordered a round of drinks and I ordered lamb stew. When she came back after 30 minutes or so she took a friend’s glass which still had a mouthful of coke in it, so my friend reached up and took it back to stop her walking off. The waitress said, really snippilly: “You didn’t have to snatch it out of my hand”.

My friend didn’t hear that, but another friend told her, and when the waitress next returned my friend actually apologised, being a very generous person. The waitress then said something like “fine, but you could have just asked me to leave it. You didn’t have to treat me like that” in a voice that dripped with slap-me attitude. She also got another friend’s initial order wrong, and my mother’s. The quiz setter also mentioned that she got everything wrong, on the few occasions she bothered to serve him.

We saw her once more, and then for the last two hours she didn’t pitch at all. She walked past us to the other table several times, but never stopped to ask if we wanted anything, and in fact we couldn’t even get her attention to flag her down. Eventually towards the end of the night I wantedneeded water, so I went to the bar to get some (since she was not around) and there she was – kissing and talking to her boyfriend at the bar instead. So I told she was the worst waitress we’d ever had, and that she’d ignored us all night – she denied saying anything to my friend (mass hallucination on our part, I guess). She also claimed to be walking up and down all night – it’s a funny walking that has you sitting at the bar. She also spent a lot of the earlier evening sitting at a different table talking to the people there. When I mentioned she wasn’t very good (to point out that she has unhappy customers and it’s hardly the way to go about getting big tips) she told me “Good, thank you” in a voice that had a whole heap of attitude with an edge of f**k you.

I told the manager specifically about the f**k you speech, because that was uncalled for, and how she basically ignored us all night. He inferred that that was it for her, and I got the distinct impression it was a last straw kind of thing. At the end of the night I called her when she was at the table next door to ask for the bill: she looked at me, and turned away and stalked off – didn’t even ask me what I wanted.

Needless to say we left a giant R0 tip when we finally got the bill from the manager instead.

Often our waitrons aren’t very good, but they always at least try with a smile, which is all you ask. She had the attitude of a spoiled rich kid who didn’t really need the job (however the manager assures me she did – I have no idea how he would know). Not conducive to a successful waitressing career…

To make it especially annoying, she lost us 2nd place! We were tied for 2nd, which then comes down to the number of people on the team. We each had 6. So it becomes a matter of the size of the bar tab. Ours was R16 less – had we seen her for the last two hours we would certainly have ordered more drinks, and 6 of us would easily make up R16. Grrr…

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Time for a laugh

I came across these truly terrific newspaper clippings today, and I figured I should share them. They had me roaring with laughter:



I’m impressed…


And to save the best for last:



Can’t imagine why they didn’t want to tell anyone what happened…

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